The Diceman Cometh Home, or Less God More Zilla

Well, Daisuke Matzusaka looked pretty good in his first Fenway start giving up 8 hits and 3 earned runs thru 7 innings, but Felix Hernandez stole the show. Hernandez uncorked a complete game one-hit shutout, basically what we were all hoping Dice-K would do. Boston ground out 17 times against Hernandez, due in part to stellar defense by Jose Lopez and My Favorite Mariner Yuniesky Betancourt.


This is great for Dice-K, in a way. He certainly didn't have a bad game-3 earned runs will win a lot of games for a Red Sox team that averaged over 5 runs per game last year. And, with a loss in the home opener, there will be a lot less pressure on him than if he was working some kind of home unbeaten streak. That's not just a blatant homer's rationalization of the kind of disappointing loss that can only come from a whole offseason of hype, right?


Matsuzaka doesn't have much to worry about from Red Sox Nation, however, since he hit confirmed rabblerouser and possible tomfooler Jose Guillen with a pitch. If we're lucky, tomorrow's game will feature a Donnelly-Guillen rematch. I learned from a guy named Robert Goulet that impossible dreams can come true. Let's not make him a liar.

Jarrod Washburn takes the hill for Seattle tomorrow; I'm guessing he won't be hitting any Sox batters on Jose Guillen's behalf. Key matchup here is with Coco Crisp, who is 11-21 against Washburn with 1 homer and 4 RBI's.

Sadly for feud fans, Wakefield is throwing for the Sox. His radar gun-limit-testing fastball won't do the kind of permanent damage to Guillen's ribs that Boston fans are hoping for. Watch for Richie Sexson to whiff a couple times, and watch out for Willie Bloomquist. He's 4-4 against Wake lifetime with a pair of doubles.

Flip side, bitches.

Targate, or Ozzie Not The Only Crazy Guillen

Exciting home opener for the Boston Red Sox today. The Mariners were in town after a four-day layoff thanks to the existence of Cleveland, Ohio. Fenway's Opening Day festivities, never afraid to jerk some tears, were tinged with hilarity. Theo Epstein has made some questionable moves recently, but no one was disappointed with his selection of Robert Goulet to perform. Goulet crooned his way through "The Impossible Dream," which is apparently a song, as members of the 1967 Red Sox tottered out. This prompted Don Orsillo to claim Goulet bore a strong resemblance to Jerry Remy.

Seattle kicked the ball around like Freddy Adu, and they also started Jeff Weaver. What is this guy's status? He looks like a meth head. Seriously, this guy looks like he parties with Jodie Sweetin every weekend. You don't see a lot of guys that look like this, mostly because COPS blurs out their faces.


Anyway, Weaver got rocked for seven hits and seven runs through two innings, and the Sox win handily. For those who kept watching after the Sox' offensive explosion, they were treated to a mini-explosion from Jose Guillen. After reliever (and former Angels teammate) Brendan Donnelly struck him out on three pitches, Guillen started barking at Donnelly. Not literally, like a dog, or even DMX-style, but just, you know, jawing. Tempers flared, the benches cleared, and Daisuke Matsuzaka evaded Jay Buhner's attempt to tackle him by pushing his shiny bald head to the side, causing Buhner to tumble in a comical fashion. Well, that's what I wish had happened. In reality, nothing happened. The benches cleared and milled around, Guillen got ejected, and it was back to the game. Until the next pitch, when Donnelly drilled Kenji Johjima. and got tossed.

(Sidebar: What must it be like for Hideki Okajima and Kenji Johjima? Talk about a couple of nappy-headed ho's bridesmaids. They must have to carry the bags for Dice-K and Ichiro. I hope these two face off in one of the next two games; hopefully we'll see some grainy Asian video footage of their storied rivalry in Japan.)


As i'm sure you've heard by now, Guillen and Donnelly have some history. It appears that after Guillen's trade from the Angels to the Nationals, he narced out Donnelly for having pine tar on his glove. Guillen is, of course, a graduate of the Milton Bradley School Of Anger Management, and is not afraid to show his class; he once called former manager Mike Scoscia a "piece of garbage." (As far as I know, he still calls him that.)

Josh Beckett was nasty, striking out Ichiro three times. Looks like he might have a serious ace-type season. Drew hit a homer on a change-up high, destroying it into dead center. Powerful.

Tomorrow is Dice-K versus Ichiro, so stay tuned. I promise a beautiful Matsuzaka Photoshop.