The Slipper Doesn't Fit; Drake's Amazing Cinderella Run Of Zero Games Comes To An End

Beware the Somethings Of March

This past weekend, we were treated to one of sports' annual traditions, the always-classic Duke-UNC hoops regular season-ending game. As someone who has the 1993 NCAA Championship on VHS (suck it Chris Webber!), needless to say i was happy with the result.

Danny Green makes like Earl Grey.

But what makes me even happier is the chain of events that are set in motion by this game.
Obviously, this game is an a pre-appetizer snack to the delicious hors d'oeuvre that is Championship week. As I write this, Florida State and UNC are battling it out on the hardwood. By Sunday night we'll know who's going to the Big Dance, or to continue the food metaphors that Fire Joe Morgan would have a field day with, the Big Turkey Dinner. My Cinderella team this year? Drake. Not just because Kyle Korver's little brother Klayton plays for them, but, well, OK, that is the only reason. But now I can post this great picture of former Tar Heel and 2005 National Champion Rashad McCants punking Kyle Aston Kutcher Korver.

Fine! JJ Redick is not a better poet than you!

Of course, this is also the time of year when NBA players start trying really hard also. There's been a lot of talk that this season is the best in the Lig since 2002 (I would say 2000 was the last interesting year minus the Big Shot Roberto moment, suck it again Chris Webber!) and it's not hard to see why. The Celtics have made the East relevant again, Kobe and Lebron are battling it out for MVP (jumper factory vs. triple double machine) and the Heat are mistakenly tanking the season to fix their team with the draft (Michael Beasley can play center, right, you guys? Huh, guys? Hey, where's everyone going?). But perhaps the best story belongs to the red-hot Rockets. Written off by most after the Very Good Wall Of China crumbled (again), they have reeled off 20 straight wins and are rising to the top of the Western Conference like, well, I'm searching for the word here, what is it when you fly really high, like, astronomically, with the jet engines and the sound barrier and the EXPLOSIONS! that make you scared, I guess that would be, like, like a rocket, i guess. ANYway, check out this hilarious video of the Rockets impersonating their "new" center, Dikembe Mutombo.



So we got the NCAA tournament, coinciding with the beginning of baseball season and the stretch of the NBA season. Almost makes you forget that we have to wait a month for the conclusion of this season of LOST, damn writers and their need to get "paid" "money." My current favorite theory? I created it. See, "Kevin Johnson," the freighter mole we all assume is Michael, is really Walt. OK, check it out. There is something screwy about the way time acts as you come to and from the island, as evidenced by Faraday's experiment.


When Michael and Walt left the island, they were instructed to take a specific bearing to get home, much like the instructions Faraday gave Lapidus in order to return to the freighter. So it's safe to assume that not going at the correct bearing will make something bad/screwy happen, like some sort of time anomaly. So Mike and Wally, landlubbers that they are, go through at the wrong bearing, and when they come out at the other side, Michael is extremely old, or possibly dead, and Walt has aged dramatically. He gets to the mainland, is contacted by a Linus lackey and gets a job on Captain Gault's freighter. The Kevin Johnson we met in "Ji Yeon"...

...is actually a grown up version of Walt.



(Note: I tried to make this theory include an explanation for Taller Ghost Walt, but I couldn't figure it out so that was the smoke monster.)

NEW FORMAT ALERT/CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK1!!111!

I'm going to post on here in semi-regular fashion, not just on the topic of sports, but also LOST, politics, and other things I don't fully understand. It will be mostly a link dump with sporadic comedy, so bookmark me today!

For starters, I recommend reading the entire Philip Rivers Chronicles over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. If you don't know how Philip Rivers would handle himself in various social situations,

[door flies open]

Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaaayyyyy!

Also, if you've never seen a video of Pedro Martinez and Juan Marichal cockfighting (not as gay as it sounds)(ok pretty much as gay as it sounds but for different reasons), today is your lucky day. Don't worry, if The Big Jheri Curl hasn't gotten in trouble for this sort of thing yet, he never will. Remember, he used to make Nelson De La Rosa and Joe C fight, and nothing ever came of that. (Even though they are both now dead. YOU MONSTER!)

Finally, here's a link to my new favorite LOST theory. Oh, you don't like LOST? Good luck with that.

Happy Holidays from Rasheed Wallace

I'm getting back into the whole hilarious blogging thing when the New Year starts, but for now, here's a holiday greeting from Rasheed Wallace and some of his Pistons teammates (watch out, Baby Jesus!).

Jason Grilli is the Cheeseman

Deadspin's got the jokes on lockdown, but here's my bad photoshop of El Hombre Queso.

Emmit Smith Look A Like SHows His Support

Julian Tavarez is Photogenic

I'm sure anyone who's caught a Red Sox game this year has been subjected to the constant shots of Julian Tavarez's wacky, Pedro-esque dugout antics. This extremely non-homosexual, manly head rubbing might be the most publicized, but it's just a small part of the man, the myth, the guy who punches people while they're trying to stand up that is Julian Tavarez.

Well, I've figured out the cause of Julian's hilarity, and the answer just might (not) surprise you: He's stoned. All the time. And always has been. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at his current official MLB photo.

I've been in Manny's locker.

I'm sure you're saying, "Come on Ben, anyone can look high in a photo; he was probably just blinking." What we're gonna do right now is go back. Way back. And it goes a little something like this. Hit it.

Darryl Kile willed me some joints.

The evidence is piling up faster than JT's ashtray. But wait, there's more.

A Pirate on the high seas.

Before Pittsburgh, Julian was a member of the Florida Marlins. I don't want to say exactly what he was into when he played down in Florida, but let's just say he earned the nickname "Scarface" for more than just his Danny Trejo-ian mug.

Then there were the Chicago days. This is of course when he called the fans at Wrigley "faggots." Of course he was on drugs then! He invented the "blame your homophobia on substance abuse" excuse.

The picture isn't grainy, the room is just full of smoke.

Sadly, no photographs exist from Tavarez's time with Colorado, or as it's reefered referred to, the "Rocky Mountain High" era. Suffice it to say he was packing bigger Denver nuggets than Dikembe Mutombo.

Take a look at this video for further proof.


Baseball Bowling - video powered by Metacafe

You know who else likes bowling? The Dude. You know, His Dudeness, Duder, El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing. Do a J, knock down some frames, maybe even rock a little Creedence. Tavarez was just trying to integrate his love of the lanes with his love of the game. I guess when he gets the outs with the strikes to Youkilis, we can't complain. Basically, when he's not invading your dreams, it's been a good day for Tavarez.

Nightmare on Yawkey Way

So when you see Julian and Manny duck into the Green Monster together, don't think it's for a gay headrubbing session. They're probably battling a green monster of their own, called marijuana addiction. It's real, people. It affected 420 million Americans every year, and it might just get you pregnant.