I Hope They Get Paid For This

Poor Wally.

For more Red Sox and Yankees fun, check out this site, which is a similar but upgraded version of the hilarious "Celebrity Phone Call Promotions," which have been sweeping the web as seen here, here and at great length, but less emphasis on the "celebrity," here. A phone call from the guy who played Angel in "Scarface?" No way!

This Man Brought His $3 In Quarters To Class For The Pizza Party

If this happened at any other park, it would be a little funny. (I assume there would have been a fistfight in the Bronx.) But with Jerry Remy on hand to analyze the incident which has been called the "Pizza Bartman," it immediately shoots up to the level of "My Hands Are Bananas." I can't top the Rem-Dawg on this one so I'll just leave you with the previous funniest video about pizza from the boys at Stella.



Tonight's game in Toronto features Dice-K vs. Gustavo Chacin. Perhaps Coco Crisp will be able to break out of his slump against Chacin. He's 4-8 lifetime against the bespectacled Venezuelan. (Edit: Crisp got a pair of hits, but Chacin smoked the Sox yet again. Hopefully Chase Wright will put up less of a fight this Sunday in Boston than Dice-K's previous two opponents, Chacin and King Felix.)

The Diceman Cometh Home, or Less God More Zilla

Well, Daisuke Matzusaka looked pretty good in his first Fenway start giving up 8 hits and 3 earned runs thru 7 innings, but Felix Hernandez stole the show. Hernandez uncorked a complete game one-hit shutout, basically what we were all hoping Dice-K would do. Boston ground out 17 times against Hernandez, due in part to stellar defense by Jose Lopez and My Favorite Mariner Yuniesky Betancourt.


This is great for Dice-K, in a way. He certainly didn't have a bad game-3 earned runs will win a lot of games for a Red Sox team that averaged over 5 runs per game last year. And, with a loss in the home opener, there will be a lot less pressure on him than if he was working some kind of home unbeaten streak. That's not just a blatant homer's rationalization of the kind of disappointing loss that can only come from a whole offseason of hype, right?


Matsuzaka doesn't have much to worry about from Red Sox Nation, however, since he hit confirmed rabblerouser and possible tomfooler Jose Guillen with a pitch. If we're lucky, tomorrow's game will feature a Donnelly-Guillen rematch. I learned from a guy named Robert Goulet that impossible dreams can come true. Let's not make him a liar.

Jarrod Washburn takes the hill for Seattle tomorrow; I'm guessing he won't be hitting any Sox batters on Jose Guillen's behalf. Key matchup here is with Coco Crisp, who is 11-21 against Washburn with 1 homer and 4 RBI's.

Sadly for feud fans, Wakefield is throwing for the Sox. His radar gun-limit-testing fastball won't do the kind of permanent damage to Guillen's ribs that Boston fans are hoping for. Watch for Richie Sexson to whiff a couple times, and watch out for Willie Bloomquist. He's 4-4 against Wake lifetime with a pair of doubles.

Flip side, bitches.

Pac-Man, Out Of Credits or How Do You Spell "do do do do do do womp womp?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Roger Goodell, if you wanted the NFL to be better, you shouldn't have suspended the league's most colorful character. Pac-Man Jones is a budding superstar, and you are doing nothing but hold him down.

Are you worried about losing revenue? Just tell him the Titans cheerleaders are strippers, and money will start circulating. Just, please God, tell the girls not to touch the money. You don't want to create another reason to suspend Pac-Man.


Are you worried about the youth of America being corrupted? Team Pac-Man up with McGruff The Crime Dog for a series of PSA's and school appearances. I'm sure they will take a bite out of something.

Why couldn't you just give him community service? I'm sure he'd be at least as good as Peyton Manning.

And poor Chris Henry. He has to play the Hideki Okajima role in this whole scandal. The guy must have felt like Eli Manning last season (no offense Chris, hear me out.) No matter what he does, how many underage girls he makes women, how much weed he gets busted with (maybe not that much), he just can't top the big guy. Pac-Man can make all the Chris Henry news go away with one gloomy weather forecast.

Maybe Goodell was just trying to make room for the return of Ricky Williams, which I guess would mean that the CFL was making room for Jones and Henry. I know that both players would love it up there, but they belong on the big stage.

So I beg you, Roger Goodell, reconsider these suspensions. Think of all the fans you'll lose. With all the big, prime-time Bengals and Titans games last year, those two gained a lot of support. I am positive that not a single person will tune in to an NFL game next year.

To show your support for Pac-Man, visit this wildly successful petition and sign your life away.


I'll drop another post on here when the Dice-K mania takes full effect.

Targate, or Ozzie Not The Only Crazy Guillen

Exciting home opener for the Boston Red Sox today. The Mariners were in town after a four-day layoff thanks to the existence of Cleveland, Ohio. Fenway's Opening Day festivities, never afraid to jerk some tears, were tinged with hilarity. Theo Epstein has made some questionable moves recently, but no one was disappointed with his selection of Robert Goulet to perform. Goulet crooned his way through "The Impossible Dream," which is apparently a song, as members of the 1967 Red Sox tottered out. This prompted Don Orsillo to claim Goulet bore a strong resemblance to Jerry Remy.

Seattle kicked the ball around like Freddy Adu, and they also started Jeff Weaver. What is this guy's status? He looks like a meth head. Seriously, this guy looks like he parties with Jodie Sweetin every weekend. You don't see a lot of guys that look like this, mostly because COPS blurs out their faces.


Anyway, Weaver got rocked for seven hits and seven runs through two innings, and the Sox win handily. For those who kept watching after the Sox' offensive explosion, they were treated to a mini-explosion from Jose Guillen. After reliever (and former Angels teammate) Brendan Donnelly struck him out on three pitches, Guillen started barking at Donnelly. Not literally, like a dog, or even DMX-style, but just, you know, jawing. Tempers flared, the benches cleared, and Daisuke Matsuzaka evaded Jay Buhner's attempt to tackle him by pushing his shiny bald head to the side, causing Buhner to tumble in a comical fashion. Well, that's what I wish had happened. In reality, nothing happened. The benches cleared and milled around, Guillen got ejected, and it was back to the game. Until the next pitch, when Donnelly drilled Kenji Johjima. and got tossed.

(Sidebar: What must it be like for Hideki Okajima and Kenji Johjima? Talk about a couple of nappy-headed ho's bridesmaids. They must have to carry the bags for Dice-K and Ichiro. I hope these two face off in one of the next two games; hopefully we'll see some grainy Asian video footage of their storied rivalry in Japan.)


As i'm sure you've heard by now, Guillen and Donnelly have some history. It appears that after Guillen's trade from the Angels to the Nationals, he narced out Donnelly for having pine tar on his glove. Guillen is, of course, a graduate of the Milton Bradley School Of Anger Management, and is not afraid to show his class; he once called former manager Mike Scoscia a "piece of garbage." (As far as I know, he still calls him that.)

Josh Beckett was nasty, striking out Ichiro three times. Looks like he might have a serious ace-type season. Drew hit a homer on a change-up high, destroying it into dead center. Powerful.

Tomorrow is Dice-K versus Ichiro, so stay tuned. I promise a beautiful Matsuzaka Photoshop.

Home Opener

I'm hilarious, so naturally people ask me where they can read my blog on the internets. That's probably the question I hear the second most, behind "You're not gonna light that blunt here, are you?" So, I've created this blog. Hopefully, I skyrocket to popularity and become famous, like Will Leitch famous. I'll get this cranking soon enough, and then you'll see. Then you'll all see.