Happy Holidays from Rasheed Wallace

I'm getting back into the whole hilarious blogging thing when the New Year starts, but for now, here's a holiday greeting from Rasheed Wallace and some of his Pistons teammates (watch out, Baby Jesus!).

Jason Grilli is the Cheeseman

Deadspin's got the jokes on lockdown, but here's my bad photoshop of El Hombre Queso.

Emmit Smith Look A Like SHows His Support

Julian Tavarez is Photogenic

I'm sure anyone who's caught a Red Sox game this year has been subjected to the constant shots of Julian Tavarez's wacky, Pedro-esque dugout antics. This extremely non-homosexual, manly head rubbing might be the most publicized, but it's just a small part of the man, the myth, the guy who punches people while they're trying to stand up that is Julian Tavarez.

Well, I've figured out the cause of Julian's hilarity, and the answer just might (not) surprise you: He's stoned. All the time. And always has been. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at his current official MLB photo.

I've been in Manny's locker.

I'm sure you're saying, "Come on Ben, anyone can look high in a photo; he was probably just blinking." What we're gonna do right now is go back. Way back. And it goes a little something like this. Hit it.

Darryl Kile willed me some joints.

The evidence is piling up faster than JT's ashtray. But wait, there's more.

A Pirate on the high seas.

Before Pittsburgh, Julian was a member of the Florida Marlins. I don't want to say exactly what he was into when he played down in Florida, but let's just say he earned the nickname "Scarface" for more than just his Danny Trejo-ian mug.

Then there were the Chicago days. This is of course when he called the fans at Wrigley "faggots." Of course he was on drugs then! He invented the "blame your homophobia on substance abuse" excuse.

The picture isn't grainy, the room is just full of smoke.

Sadly, no photographs exist from Tavarez's time with Colorado, or as it's reefered referred to, the "Rocky Mountain High" era. Suffice it to say he was packing bigger Denver nuggets than Dikembe Mutombo.

Take a look at this video for further proof.


Baseball Bowling - video powered by Metacafe

You know who else likes bowling? The Dude. You know, His Dudeness, Duder, El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing. Do a J, knock down some frames, maybe even rock a little Creedence. Tavarez was just trying to integrate his love of the lanes with his love of the game. I guess when he gets the outs with the strikes to Youkilis, we can't complain. Basically, when he's not invading your dreams, it's been a good day for Tavarez.

Nightmare on Yawkey Way

So when you see Julian and Manny duck into the Green Monster together, don't think it's for a gay headrubbing session. They're probably battling a green monster of their own, called marijuana addiction. It's real, people. It affected 420 million Americans every year, and it might just get you pregnant.

What a Weekend

I'm still in shock. Maybe it's because I'm in the midst of finals week; maybe it's because I've been taking pitchers behind the woodshed with Hanley Ramirez in 2K7 so often; maybe it's because I'm not high right now. But no matter what distractions there are around me, there's no denying that this weekend was huge for sports, and New England sports especially. Let's just list everything.

Oh snap, my blunt fell from behind my ear!

Randy to the Pats

This might go down as the best or worst move the Patriots have ever made. Randy Moss is my favorite receiver and an obvious game-changer. Will Belichick shape him up, or at least harness his power a la Phil Jackson and Rodman? Or will we get the sulking, anti-hustle Moss that moped around the sidelines in Oakland for two years? I'm hoping for the former, and if it makes a difference, I'll hook Randy up with trees every blue moon. Just make sure he comes with the straight cash, homey.


The Patriots also drafted Brandon Merriweather, a safety out of the U most famous for stomping the shit out of some cats on Florida International and busting caps on the punks that shot his teammate in the ass cheeks. We should probably come up with a arcade game-based nickname for him, stat. I'm gonna go with "Spy Hunter" for the time being.


Sox take 2 of 3 in the Bronx

Except for a little stumble over Kei Igawa, the Red Sox have looked unbeatable against New York this year, what with the back-to-back-to-back-to-back homers and the late inning comebacks and all. Now that it's no longer April, I think it's safe to say that the Red Sox have been pretty impressive. Their continued success will depend on the health of their outfield and the consistency of their pitching staff. Adding Jon Lester can only help that, as every game Julian Tavarez starts is difficult to win.

Julian is not a girl's name!

This Just In: Yanks rookie Phil Hughes takes a no-hitter into the 7th, and then: the leg is swept. Hughes will be down for a month at least, and New York continues to be fucked.

I Hope They Get Paid For This

Poor Wally.

For more Red Sox and Yankees fun, check out this site, which is a similar but upgraded version of the hilarious "Celebrity Phone Call Promotions," which have been sweeping the web as seen here, here and at great length, but less emphasis on the "celebrity," here. A phone call from the guy who played Angel in "Scarface?" No way!

This Man Brought His $3 In Quarters To Class For The Pizza Party

If this happened at any other park, it would be a little funny. (I assume there would have been a fistfight in the Bronx.) But with Jerry Remy on hand to analyze the incident which has been called the "Pizza Bartman," it immediately shoots up to the level of "My Hands Are Bananas." I can't top the Rem-Dawg on this one so I'll just leave you with the previous funniest video about pizza from the boys at Stella.



Tonight's game in Toronto features Dice-K vs. Gustavo Chacin. Perhaps Coco Crisp will be able to break out of his slump against Chacin. He's 4-8 lifetime against the bespectacled Venezuelan. (Edit: Crisp got a pair of hits, but Chacin smoked the Sox yet again. Hopefully Chase Wright will put up less of a fight this Sunday in Boston than Dice-K's previous two opponents, Chacin and King Felix.)

The Diceman Cometh Home, or Less God More Zilla

Well, Daisuke Matzusaka looked pretty good in his first Fenway start giving up 8 hits and 3 earned runs thru 7 innings, but Felix Hernandez stole the show. Hernandez uncorked a complete game one-hit shutout, basically what we were all hoping Dice-K would do. Boston ground out 17 times against Hernandez, due in part to stellar defense by Jose Lopez and My Favorite Mariner Yuniesky Betancourt.


This is great for Dice-K, in a way. He certainly didn't have a bad game-3 earned runs will win a lot of games for a Red Sox team that averaged over 5 runs per game last year. And, with a loss in the home opener, there will be a lot less pressure on him than if he was working some kind of home unbeaten streak. That's not just a blatant homer's rationalization of the kind of disappointing loss that can only come from a whole offseason of hype, right?


Matsuzaka doesn't have much to worry about from Red Sox Nation, however, since he hit confirmed rabblerouser and possible tomfooler Jose Guillen with a pitch. If we're lucky, tomorrow's game will feature a Donnelly-Guillen rematch. I learned from a guy named Robert Goulet that impossible dreams can come true. Let's not make him a liar.

Jarrod Washburn takes the hill for Seattle tomorrow; I'm guessing he won't be hitting any Sox batters on Jose Guillen's behalf. Key matchup here is with Coco Crisp, who is 11-21 against Washburn with 1 homer and 4 RBI's.

Sadly for feud fans, Wakefield is throwing for the Sox. His radar gun-limit-testing fastball won't do the kind of permanent damage to Guillen's ribs that Boston fans are hoping for. Watch for Richie Sexson to whiff a couple times, and watch out for Willie Bloomquist. He's 4-4 against Wake lifetime with a pair of doubles.

Flip side, bitches.

Pac-Man, Out Of Credits or How Do You Spell "do do do do do do womp womp?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Roger Goodell, if you wanted the NFL to be better, you shouldn't have suspended the league's most colorful character. Pac-Man Jones is a budding superstar, and you are doing nothing but hold him down.

Are you worried about losing revenue? Just tell him the Titans cheerleaders are strippers, and money will start circulating. Just, please God, tell the girls not to touch the money. You don't want to create another reason to suspend Pac-Man.


Are you worried about the youth of America being corrupted? Team Pac-Man up with McGruff The Crime Dog for a series of PSA's and school appearances. I'm sure they will take a bite out of something.

Why couldn't you just give him community service? I'm sure he'd be at least as good as Peyton Manning.

And poor Chris Henry. He has to play the Hideki Okajima role in this whole scandal. The guy must have felt like Eli Manning last season (no offense Chris, hear me out.) No matter what he does, how many underage girls he makes women, how much weed he gets busted with (maybe not that much), he just can't top the big guy. Pac-Man can make all the Chris Henry news go away with one gloomy weather forecast.

Maybe Goodell was just trying to make room for the return of Ricky Williams, which I guess would mean that the CFL was making room for Jones and Henry. I know that both players would love it up there, but they belong on the big stage.

So I beg you, Roger Goodell, reconsider these suspensions. Think of all the fans you'll lose. With all the big, prime-time Bengals and Titans games last year, those two gained a lot of support. I am positive that not a single person will tune in to an NFL game next year.

To show your support for Pac-Man, visit this wildly successful petition and sign your life away.


I'll drop another post on here when the Dice-K mania takes full effect.

Targate, or Ozzie Not The Only Crazy Guillen

Exciting home opener for the Boston Red Sox today. The Mariners were in town after a four-day layoff thanks to the existence of Cleveland, Ohio. Fenway's Opening Day festivities, never afraid to jerk some tears, were tinged with hilarity. Theo Epstein has made some questionable moves recently, but no one was disappointed with his selection of Robert Goulet to perform. Goulet crooned his way through "The Impossible Dream," which is apparently a song, as members of the 1967 Red Sox tottered out. This prompted Don Orsillo to claim Goulet bore a strong resemblance to Jerry Remy.

Seattle kicked the ball around like Freddy Adu, and they also started Jeff Weaver. What is this guy's status? He looks like a meth head. Seriously, this guy looks like he parties with Jodie Sweetin every weekend. You don't see a lot of guys that look like this, mostly because COPS blurs out their faces.


Anyway, Weaver got rocked for seven hits and seven runs through two innings, and the Sox win handily. For those who kept watching after the Sox' offensive explosion, they were treated to a mini-explosion from Jose Guillen. After reliever (and former Angels teammate) Brendan Donnelly struck him out on three pitches, Guillen started barking at Donnelly. Not literally, like a dog, or even DMX-style, but just, you know, jawing. Tempers flared, the benches cleared, and Daisuke Matsuzaka evaded Jay Buhner's attempt to tackle him by pushing his shiny bald head to the side, causing Buhner to tumble in a comical fashion. Well, that's what I wish had happened. In reality, nothing happened. The benches cleared and milled around, Guillen got ejected, and it was back to the game. Until the next pitch, when Donnelly drilled Kenji Johjima. and got tossed.

(Sidebar: What must it be like for Hideki Okajima and Kenji Johjima? Talk about a couple of nappy-headed ho's bridesmaids. They must have to carry the bags for Dice-K and Ichiro. I hope these two face off in one of the next two games; hopefully we'll see some grainy Asian video footage of their storied rivalry in Japan.)


As i'm sure you've heard by now, Guillen and Donnelly have some history. It appears that after Guillen's trade from the Angels to the Nationals, he narced out Donnelly for having pine tar on his glove. Guillen is, of course, a graduate of the Milton Bradley School Of Anger Management, and is not afraid to show his class; he once called former manager Mike Scoscia a "piece of garbage." (As far as I know, he still calls him that.)

Josh Beckett was nasty, striking out Ichiro three times. Looks like he might have a serious ace-type season. Drew hit a homer on a change-up high, destroying it into dead center. Powerful.

Tomorrow is Dice-K versus Ichiro, so stay tuned. I promise a beautiful Matsuzaka Photoshop.

Home Opener

I'm hilarious, so naturally people ask me where they can read my blog on the internets. That's probably the question I hear the second most, behind "You're not gonna light that blunt here, are you?" So, I've created this blog. Hopefully, I skyrocket to popularity and become famous, like Will Leitch famous. I'll get this cranking soon enough, and then you'll see. Then you'll all see.