Julian Tavarez is Photogenic

I'm sure anyone who's caught a Red Sox game this year has been subjected to the constant shots of Julian Tavarez's wacky, Pedro-esque dugout antics. This extremely non-homosexual, manly head rubbing might be the most publicized, but it's just a small part of the man, the myth, the guy who punches people while they're trying to stand up that is Julian Tavarez.

Well, I've figured out the cause of Julian's hilarity, and the answer just might (not) surprise you: He's stoned. All the time. And always has been. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at his current official MLB photo.

I've been in Manny's locker.

I'm sure you're saying, "Come on Ben, anyone can look high in a photo; he was probably just blinking." What we're gonna do right now is go back. Way back. And it goes a little something like this. Hit it.

Darryl Kile willed me some joints.

The evidence is piling up faster than JT's ashtray. But wait, there's more.

A Pirate on the high seas.

Before Pittsburgh, Julian was a member of the Florida Marlins. I don't want to say exactly what he was into when he played down in Florida, but let's just say he earned the nickname "Scarface" for more than just his Danny Trejo-ian mug.

Then there were the Chicago days. This is of course when he called the fans at Wrigley "faggots." Of course he was on drugs then! He invented the "blame your homophobia on substance abuse" excuse.

The picture isn't grainy, the room is just full of smoke.

Sadly, no photographs exist from Tavarez's time with Colorado, or as it's reefered referred to, the "Rocky Mountain High" era. Suffice it to say he was packing bigger Denver nuggets than Dikembe Mutombo.

Take a look at this video for further proof.


Baseball Bowling - video powered by Metacafe

You know who else likes bowling? The Dude. You know, His Dudeness, Duder, El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing. Do a J, knock down some frames, maybe even rock a little Creedence. Tavarez was just trying to integrate his love of the lanes with his love of the game. I guess when he gets the outs with the strikes to Youkilis, we can't complain. Basically, when he's not invading your dreams, it's been a good day for Tavarez.

Nightmare on Yawkey Way

So when you see Julian and Manny duck into the Green Monster together, don't think it's for a gay headrubbing session. They're probably battling a green monster of their own, called marijuana addiction. It's real, people. It affected 420 million Americans every year, and it might just get you pregnant.

What a Weekend

I'm still in shock. Maybe it's because I'm in the midst of finals week; maybe it's because I've been taking pitchers behind the woodshed with Hanley Ramirez in 2K7 so often; maybe it's because I'm not high right now. But no matter what distractions there are around me, there's no denying that this weekend was huge for sports, and New England sports especially. Let's just list everything.

Oh snap, my blunt fell from behind my ear!

Randy to the Pats

This might go down as the best or worst move the Patriots have ever made. Randy Moss is my favorite receiver and an obvious game-changer. Will Belichick shape him up, or at least harness his power a la Phil Jackson and Rodman? Or will we get the sulking, anti-hustle Moss that moped around the sidelines in Oakland for two years? I'm hoping for the former, and if it makes a difference, I'll hook Randy up with trees every blue moon. Just make sure he comes with the straight cash, homey.


The Patriots also drafted Brandon Merriweather, a safety out of the U most famous for stomping the shit out of some cats on Florida International and busting caps on the punks that shot his teammate in the ass cheeks. We should probably come up with a arcade game-based nickname for him, stat. I'm gonna go with "Spy Hunter" for the time being.


Sox take 2 of 3 in the Bronx

Except for a little stumble over Kei Igawa, the Red Sox have looked unbeatable against New York this year, what with the back-to-back-to-back-to-back homers and the late inning comebacks and all. Now that it's no longer April, I think it's safe to say that the Red Sox have been pretty impressive. Their continued success will depend on the health of their outfield and the consistency of their pitching staff. Adding Jon Lester can only help that, as every game Julian Tavarez starts is difficult to win.

Julian is not a girl's name!

This Just In: Yanks rookie Phil Hughes takes a no-hitter into the 7th, and then: the leg is swept. Hughes will be down for a month at least, and New York continues to be fucked.